Thursday, November 23, 2006

Having Loved and Lost

Whoever said "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" probably never loved and lost.

The Oracle rarely comments on personal matters, but it is a holiday, so why not?

The Oracle got divorced earlier this year. Divorce is always a painful experience, but the relationship had been troubled for a long time, and ending it brought a sense of relief. It felt good to be alone, and I had no intention of getting in another serious relationship any time soon.

But, I did. At the start, we were only going to date casually -- it was nice to have someone to go out to eat or to see a movie with. But then we found that we had more interests in common than I had known with any woman I have ever met, and the thoughts of a casual relationship ended rather quickly. Our personalities and priorities in life meshed really well, and there was chemistry between us. Much of the last three months seemed like heaven on earth. Some of that was, no doubt, mere infatuation. But some of it was a very real connectedness between people who shared a great deal in common. Whether going to football or hockey games, staying at home and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, going to the Frist Center, going to church together, or anything else we did -- it all seemed great.

But, it has probably ended for good, and it was my fault. When it seems that divorce was a relief, one sometimes is unaware of the hurts and self-doubts that linger underneath the surface. For me, those doubts resulted in anxiety about a relationship that seemed too good to be true. And that anxiety, when expressed repeatedly, ultimately drove her away.

We had made plans for this weekend -- Thanksgiving at lunch with her children and family, then over to my brother's house to see my family; tomorrow to a friend's house for lunch and to watch football (she loves football and knows more about it than I do, which is saying considerable); tickets Saturday night to see the Rockettes; Sunday to church and then to the Titans game. Because she works strange hours, this would have been more time than we are normally able to spend together, and we were looking forward to it.

I will still today see my family -- earlier in the day than I had expected -- and for that I am thankful. But even though I will be surrounded by family that I care about, I feel alone, terribly alone. I'll be glad when this holiday weekend is over: I will be able to get back to work. And I think I will only blog about politics.


Blogger John H said...

You are a good man, Oracle. Hop over to the Mothership some Saturday for some bbq and let's talk sports!

9:42 AM  

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