Saturday, August 26, 2006

Saturday Satire

Attorneys representing estranged planet Pluto have filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court in Detroit, Michigan, seeking an injunction stopping the demotion of Pluto by the International Astronomical Union from the planetary status it has held for most of the last century. That group of attorneys also filed a related suit seeking class action status for school children who were taught that Pluto was a planet.

"For several generations, children have learned their planets by reciting the phrase 'my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas,'" a spokesman for the attorneys said. "The loss of the pizza destroys the entire structure of their learning and is emotionally unsettling. People are going to need therapy and deserve to be compensated for this tragedy. The so-called scientists didn't even make arrangments for crisis counseling services."

Attorneys for scientists responsible for the decision to deny Pluto its previous distinction as the ninth planet in the solar system quickly sought to have these suits dismissed and accused the plaintiffs of "venue shopping" for a friendly court. At a press conference, one of the lawyers asked, "Why should an international and cosmological matter be tried in Detroit? The plaintiffs were just looking for a court that would be predisposed to rule in their favor"

Attorneys for Pluto denied that charge, saying that federal district judge Anna Diggs Taylor had considerable experience with far out arguments, and thus was the right person to judge a matter involving the outer edges of the solar system

The lawsuit in behalf of Pluto claims that the former planet has been deprived due process and equal protection under the law. Attorneys are asking for trillions of dollars in economic and punitive damages, arguing that this "sudden and unprecedented action will devastate Pluto's economic development plans." A spokesman claimed that the icy, barren planet could become a destination of choice for tourists once Republicans in Congress succeed in opening ANWR to oil drilling. He added that former presidential candidate Al Gore had already scheduled a visit to Pluto.

Gore, who was born exactly nine months after space aliens allegedly landed at Roswell, New Mexico, could not be reached for comment. However, a spokesman noted that Gore had, after all, invented the space rocket.

A hearing has not been scheduled in these cases. Given the court's backlog, it should occur sometime in the next Plutonian year.

3 Comments:

Blogger Donna Locke said...

I just want to know what will happen to the plutocrats now.

4:37 PM  
Blogger MCO said...

I think they will probably go to work for their relatives on Neptune -- the nepotists.

3:07 PM  
Anonymous George Rand said...

mco,

Those that aren't hiding in Belle Meade, disguised as RINO's

11:11 AM  

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